Buckfields Mad Momma

Caught in a drift.

2010-01-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

A winter wonderland where we are. The kids are a little stir crazy.
I bought them each a little snow shovel. Get out their energy, and they can help Andy-the-Great!
Hee hee hee. Might as well get them working young!
We also bought 4 new toboggan's. That will be fun. I will post pic's of the dig out!

Holy Cow! It's 2010!

2010-01-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

Holy cow!
Has it really been over a month since I have blogged?
It has been a whirlwind, to say the least.

CT adjusting unbelievably well. Everything that was said to be a "problem behavior", has turned out to be a non-issue. He is mainstreamed ALL DAY , rather than the 3 hours he attend the special needs program at his previous district. He has music, and Phys Ed, Art, and computer lab with all the "normal" children. They have excepted him, and he has thrived.

CT is having speech for an hour 3 times a week. Were were told that he could only tolerate 10 min's at a time.

He has had minimal contact, only twice, with his biological brother and previous foster parents. This is a huge surprise to us. They INSISTED that we be committed to a weekly visit in the beginning, and then NO LESS THAN once a month. We, of coarse, agreed to this without question. A gift for CT to know his brother, and the family that cared for him for 3 years. However, we call and it is not a warm reception. They have never called Ct to see how he is. Never talked to me about his transition. Ct has questioned where they have gone. I fear he thinks they have dropped off the planet!

Now, those of you who have adopted from the HHS system, know that you are required to have in home visits frequently after the child is placed....NOT US! They dropped him, and we haven't seen anyone since. INFURIATES ME TO NO END! We have scheduled visits that get cancelled every time. There has been no documentation provided to doctors or school, that says Andy and I have guardianship of this child. No emergency releases signed. NOTHING.

Yes, I have called. Yes, I have spoken with supervisors.

I think that part of the problem is that people write these children off as disposable. No body has ever vested anything into them. His IEP for school stated that he could be mainstreamed into a normal kindergarten classroom, BUT "he is up for adoption, so he would be disrupted anyway."

So, why bother, huh?
Why give this child a better start.
Why show him "normal" childhood behaviors?
Why let him build relationships?
Instead, lets label him Mentally Retarded, and put him in a class room with non-verbal children. Lets keep him secluded from others his age.

Andy and I have begun the fight to remove the labels. To allow our son to participate in all things. The Christmas Concert. The bowling with his kindergarten. The story-time in Library.

We reward his good behaviors, and let him no that bad behaviors make us unhappy. That they DO NOT get rewarded. We treat him like a normal 5 year old (of coarse with some modifications). This boy...our boy...could be so much. And will surprise everyone.

Of that I am sure!!!

So, Andy and I await support systems. We have inquired about groups for parents like us. In home resources for us. Not waiting for state help. CW approval. we muddle through, doing what parents do... The best they can for their kids.

We're Thankful He's Here!!!

2009-11-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

And, he's ours!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

In the home stretch...till placement, anyway.

2009-11-16T04:56:00.000-08:00

Here it is, Mid-November already. WOW!!!
Zippin right along, huh?

Well, we had a team meeting last Tuesday. It was decided that Ct would be with us full time NOVEMBER 20th!
You got it!
THIS FRIDAY!!!

We are filled with emotions.

Excitement..it is really happening for us. A years worth of time and effort nearing completion.

Fear...we have yet to work out all the kinks. School (he will be starting after Thanksgiving Break). The dynamics between CT and our 3-year-old,Gabrielle. She has a hard time finding where he fits, and how she should have a relationship wit him.

Cannot possibly start to feel any smoothness until a routine is established. Consistency is achieved. Both CT and Gabrielle will benefit from this. That I am sure.

CT has been with us for two weekends, and a mid-week overnight last week. He is starting to test his limits. Tantruming a little. Saying "NO!" to Andy and I. Together we are standing strong. Unified in our expectations and discipline. Clearly giving him limits.

We are also finding how much of a love bug he is. Always giving a little snuggle. He kisses my forehead and strokes my face while I am reading to him at at bed time.

We have started to research his long term diagnosis'. Understand all of the SPED jargon. They speak Latin sometimes, I think. I need to understand EVERY WORD. EVERY THERAPY. EVERY TREATMENT OPTION. This will allow Andy and I to better advocate for him.

PHEW!
Still so much to do. So, as my title reads... "In the home stretch till placement, anyway".
It is just the beginning.
Just the tip of the ice berg.

CHAPTER 2!!!!

The Fast and the Furious!

2009-11-06T06:03:00.001-08:00

I have hardly had time to catch my breath, let alone Blog.
Thanks to you all for your comments and encouragement. It is soooo important in this whole process, and appreciated more than you know.

Things are moving fast and furious.
Because CT can not understand why he is not "home with Mama and Dada", we are stepping things up. What would be a placement of January 1st...is now BEFORE Thanksgiving. We are excited about that. Nervous as well. Trying to speed the "powers that be" along with all the details. School...pediatrician..stuff. We have another team meeting on Tuesday, and all the details will be hashed out.

CT has no focus on school, cries for us at night, and has almost completely detached from his foster family. What good is it for him to prolong the inevitable. Once he is placed permanently, we can build consistency again. Get him back on track at school. Feeling safe in his forever home.

It is hard, however, to wade through all the "MUCK".
The feelings of the Foster family, DHHS' input, psychiatrists, and teachers.

PHEW!
That has been the biggest learning curve of it all.

I will be leaving shortly to go get our lil man! Can't wait to spend the weekend with him.
I will let you all know how it goes....

A whirlwind

2009-10-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

I am still reeling from our weekend whirlwind.

We picked CT up at the foster families house at 8:00 a.m. His "Nine" (foster Mama) was sick. A terrible head cold and stomach thing happening. So, they suggested we keep him for the day, rather than our scheduled 2 hours.

OK!!

On Thursday afternoon his team ( Foster parents, DHS worker, and Life skills worker) got together with CT to explain exactly who we are, and what we are to become. So, when we picked him up Saturday I was greeted with a great big hug, and a "Hi Mama".

*SNIFF*

A "Hi Da" for Andy.

*Sniff, Sniff*

We kept him the whole day. Played in his new room. Carved a pumpkin with all the kids, read a story, and just hung out together.
IT WAS AB FAB!

Gabrielle is not sure if she is sold on the idea of a 5 year old sibling. She will warm up to it once she realizes that he is sticking, and she needn't compete. We have some alone time activities scheduled for her, and all of the kids.

We brought him home on Saturday evening.

HE STARTED TO SCREAM!
Did not understand why he wasn't staying at his new house. With his new Mama and Da. His new sisters and brothers.
He had to be pried off my body. Begging for me to take him back.

OMG!!!

I left in a puddle. I am not good at leaving my kids. Especially like that. I called him when I got home. he was doing better. Asked me if I could get him when his eyes were open after night.
I said "yes, Buddy. I am yours! I will always come for you!"

We did.

We talked to him about how he needed to stay there until we could get him a new school. Gave him all sorts of pictures ...WITH US! Told him that his bed will be there waiting, and we would pick him up for a visit on Tuesday. He had an easier time at drop off on Sunday.

I called him today, to see how school was for him. He said it was good, and asked me if I would be there for him when his eyes opened from night. I told him that when he returned from school, both HIS Da and HIS Mama would be waiting!

And we will!

And there he stood!

2009-10-19T06:11:00.000-07:00

We FINALLY got to meet our CT.

We waited for 15, excruciating, minutes for the bus to come. Freezing cold. Shivering. More from nerves, I'd imagine.

It pulled up in front of his foster home, we could see him in the window. The only red head! His little winter hat was on crooked. Smiling out the bus window.

He ran up to his foster Mom, said "Hi". Then right over to ask "who you?" We told him that we were friends of "Nine" and stopped by to visit him.

He brought us inside. Sang to us. Told me his colors. Showed me his room. Ate his lunch.

That was it. 45 min's later we left him to have his therapy. Do some errands with "Nine". We drove away from our son. He waived from the window. Not knowing who we are ,exactly. Just that we are new friends.

We will play again this week, and I CAN'T WAIT!!!

The Time Has Come!

2009-10-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

Had our last Q & A, yesterday. Received CT's most recent diagnosis', PET's and IEP's from school. Also medication management info.

They have given us until Thursday (more if we need it) to come up with an answer. Do we want to move forward with this boy, or pull-out. Wait for another child.

Yesterday's meeting went very well. Didn't answer all the questions we have, that simply isn't possible. No one can tell the future. We have a limited history available.

They have started to mainstream CT this week. At our suggestion. He is starting out having lunch and a 10 minute play time with the others. We'll see how that goes for him. He would have an instant peer group here at our home.

Then, the last question posed to Andy and I was this..."What is the deal- breaker for you? What would absolutely change your mind?"
I started to cry.
We all have the same wish...hope for CT. That he find a forever home. One that can be the best for him.

So, Thursday, at 9 am, we will receive a call from CT's worker. I will give her OUR ANSWER.

Here's a hint....IT'S A BOY!!!

Another few thoughts....

2009-09-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of your comments yesterday, I appreciate the advice. This is NOT a decision to be made lightly. Nor do we want to be hasty in the out come.

Today I contacted our school district. I want to SEE our Special Ed department. I have also requested copies of IEP's and PET's to better understand CT's need in the educational system. You can't fight for something you don't understand.

I have also been doing a whole lot of research on his diagnosis' (plural). How he may have relationships with peers. How adjustments May be made! This is all a guess, of coarse. No one can predict his future. No one is absolutely sure what is "wrong" with him. He has a whole array of family history. From Bi-Polar to MR. Autism and OCD.

I do know that he is a delightful young boy. VERY loving with his foster family. Willing to help. BUT, he has cycles of good and bad. Much like Bi-polar.

3 weeks good...up a few times a week at night, can self sooth, happy as a clam.

1 week of down cycle. Tantrums. Up 4 or 5 times a night. Self harming, sometimes destructive.

None of this is scary, or unexpected. It is hard to make a decision based on the fact that we have never met. Don't have a relationship. Can't witness it. Haven't seen him interact with our children. OR ANY CHILDREN!

Maybe I am over thinking.

He is a boy.

A special needs child never given the chance to interact with children. Never been involved in a family with siblings. They don't take him to the park or playground (for fear he may misbehave), he is not mainstreamed. He doesn't have family functions. No one has ever fought for him (in my opinion). He is treated like a "special needs" child. Like you see in the movies. Secluded. With just his Foster Mom, therapist, or teacher.
How is he to learn "appropriate" behaviors. How is he to learn to play with peers?

I realize that any way you slice it...the transition period will be hard for us all. My whole family unit. My time will be split even farther. Gabrielle will have a bit of a bent nose. Time management will need to be worked on...and I will probably feel like I shall go out of my mind.
For some time.

But, in the end...he is a boy. In need of a loving forever family. One who is not afraid of a fight.

We are a strong family. A great family. With a lot of love. We are not afraid of a fight.

Hell, that is our everyday!

It happened!

2009-09-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

It happened!
The disclosure meeting.
Andy and I headed there at 9 this morning. Me from home, him from the Farmington campus.
It lasted just under 2 hours and everything under the sun, was discussed. We now know every scrid of his history.
CT has been lucky enough to have the same Guardian Ad Li tum since before entering custody. He also has had only one foster home placement. This is GREAT for him, but will make transitioning that much harder.
CT's foster Mother was there. Gave some insight into everyday life with him. None of it scared me. My only really concern...well, question really...is that CT has had limited exposure to other children. They keep him in the "SPED" room in school, he has his play time when others are inside. That is the way his routine has worked out.
In our home he would have instant siblings. 7 days a week.
I have said this before, BUT, i just want to be what this boy needs. I want to do right by him. Give him the best of a family. My children are great kids. But, they have always known this life. A FULL life.
We meet for a question and answer session on Thursday. Then...
we think. And weigh. And ponder.
Hope to find wisdom to make the "right" choice.
How do you know what's RIGHT?
What's best?
How do I know I am enough?

How much is that doggie in the window???

2009-09-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know how or why, but some how it follows me. Finds me. Like it or not.
DRAMA!
And, I hate it!

So, Andy-the-Great and I...well, mostly just me...decided to stud out our Border Collie. He is a GREAT dog, with a great pedigree, and thought it would be fun to breed him and see his puppies. We let him "at it" in May. He was the proud Papa to 11 adorable pups on June 21st.
Yup!
Father's Day.

I tried to contact the females owner several times to see the pups, with no luck. I was disappointed and chalked up the stud fee to a loss.

Fast forward 8 weeks...
I get a call that the owner of the female wanted to bring the remaining pups over for us to see. Wanted to do it during Daycare hours, in hopes of selling the last 4.
When she arrived, she unloaded the dogs, told me that she had "gotten rid of" the Mother. Also that she needed someone to watch the puppies for a week while she looked for a place to live.
Told me that she couldn't care for them at the moment...she was living in a camper with her 2 kids.

I agreed to one week.
Mind you, she had sold 7 of these babies for $600 each!

They had not had shots or been wormed, and were LOADED with fleas!
So, I contacted her about vaccinations and flea medication. I was told NOT to deal with theses issues, and to let the new owners take care of it.
One of the puppies( "Elanor the fair") developed diarrhea, vomiting, and blood in her poop.
I took her to the vet. A bacteria was found in her intestines that needed antibiotic. She also had tape worms. So I purchased worm er for the lot of them.

Then one sold. I sold him for $300. To pay for vaccinations that were due.
When I contacted the breeder, she said that she couldn't afford to loose anymore money on these pups. She needed, after all, to pay for her security deposit on a new place. At the moment she was on a 2 week vacation with her live in boyfriend.

Last week, a female ("Ruby") jumped headlong off our 2nd story deck, to get to me as I was feeding the chickens. Broke out out of her pen, and jumped.
Broke her left foreleg and tore a bunch of ligaments in both front legs.
Again, I contacted the breeder. She advised me to do nothing. A vet visit would be to costly. Perhaps they would heal on their own.
Sooo...I took her to the vet, anyway. Had X-rays and treatment. We worked out a plan for future treatments.
The breeder contacted me from her vacation (the 2nd one) in Missouri. I told her that I had her treated, and got the scolding of a life time. She said "They are my pups, and I will decide if they should be put down or treated". I was negligent in allowing her to fall, and someone with better capabilities would be coming to get the pups.

I proceeded to "tactfully" tell her to F*#K off. She disappeared for 4 weeks, and gave no food or medication. Those now become my dogs! I couldn't sell them for what I have in them.

My brother and sister-in-law took one male. For free. I couldn't handle them all.

So, Andy and I are proud OWNERS of two female border collie puppies. One with stomach issues and one with 2 wounded legs!
We couldn't be happier..well, when I say "WE"...I really mean "me".

p.s. Thanks honey bun for putting up with me!
: )

100th post!

2009-09-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

Wow. My 100th post. I wish that I had something AMAZING to blog.

Nope.

Just a little bit of this, and that!

I do have a great picture to post.

This is Andy-the-Great and I, apple picking. We love to go, and try to do it every year. This Sunday we took the littles and Alyssa with us. The older boys opted not to go. They felt World Of Warcraft was far to important. The oldest daughter..well...is 17. I am not even sure she lives here anymore. Hardly ever home. We picked a few...ate a few...and had YUMMY apple dumplings afterward. The babies loved the tractor ride best, I think. Me...the dumpling, I guess. And kissin my man in the sunshine!

I should be hearing from CT's Sw tomorrow. That is what I was told. We'll see. I had never realized how sllloooowwwlllyy the system works. It is amazing that children get placed at all.

I am joining a new support group for adoptive parents her in Oxford Hills. It will be nice to share stories. I find such much support in sharing my stories with you here in the blogoshere. And much comfort reading your experiences. It will be nice to lay my eyes on people in the same boat. Dealing with the same state systems. maybe they will help to ease the stress of it. And you all...of course!

The kiddos are just getting over a really odd virus. 4 of our 6 had it. It came with a fever of 102-ish and a mouth full of canker sores. Ty has gone 6 days without eating. He drinks just enough to survive. Can't wait for that to get out of my house! Hopefully never to return again. The smell of bleach is getting old. The look of pain in my kids eyes as they eat...unbearable.

Andy-the-Great has started school. He is working on his first paper as we speak. I know that he will do well. In all of his classes. It is important to him. THIS TIME he is ready.

GUESS WHAT?

2009-09-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

You will not even beleive this!
Our final disclosure was POSTPONED. YUP!
A death in the social workers family. I am sorry for her loss...but frustrated as hell.
A few more week, I s'pose.

UGH!!!

Welcome Back!

2009-08-31T07:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while. Been going through some crap. Emotional, not worthy or viable, CRAP!

We still have NOT had our last disclosure meeting. It seems to keep getting rescheduled. The GAL is in bad health due to her age, and if at all possible...she needs to be present! She has had carrot top on her caseload for ALL of the years he has been in foster care.

CT starts school this week. I bought him a lunch box. This, however, will not be given to him. Not yet anyway.

My children are all back in school. WOO HOOT!!!!!
Do I sound wicked stoked? I am! I love 'em to pieces, but am sure glad they are gone for a few hours. Now the hell of taxi-ing them around is in effect. I will take it. I jam to my tunes, and catch some rays while I am waiting to pick up or drop off!

We are considering pre-school for Gabi. Two days a week. I think it would do her good to spend some time away from our home and rules. Give her something that is just for her. Maybe then she will appreciate the time with her friends here at Tee's House.

Andy-the-Great started school this week. He is excited to venture out. Explore new possibilities. Experience a bit of the college life he missed when he was 18. Short of dorm living, and keg parties, he should get a nibble. However, it is primarily a traditional college setting. Meaning, most of it's students are just out of High School. I hope that he can find a network of Non-Traditional students to share with. This will make his time there more enriching. he has even considered doing Theatre there at UMF. Good for you, Babe!

I hate to be all "WOE Is ME", but I am feeling a crap load of...
"Hey what about me?"
"What is my purpose?"
"Am I only meant for diapering and laundry?"

The burden of a Mom, huh?
I wouldn't change it. Just need to be reminded every so often!

Fall crazies

2009-08-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

Another school year is fast approaching. We are all gearing up for the fall crazies!

Soccer, Theatre, Football, school. A whole lot of taxi-ing.

Andy returns to college as well. Full-time.
He will be in Farmington from 8-5, three days a week. He is super excited about jumping back in. I am super sad about him leaving.
Silly, huh?

He has been co-parenting, and my right hand in daycare since Aug of 2006. We have lunch together everyday. Gabrielle and Griffin yell up to his office. It will be a transition for us all, I am sure. I will miss my baby cakes!

I know. I am pathetic!

I do try and be supportive of him. I do, actually, want him to go. Further himself. "Be all that he can be". I just wanna go with him!

Alyssa and I are also in a musical. How To Succeed In Business Without Even Trying.
We have small parts, so it is a minimal commitment. Rehearsing only 2 days a week until the end of October. The show opens the second week in November. A little bit of adult conversation and being in front of an audience...A real self esteem booster. I am looking forward to it!

Still waiting for our final disclosure meeting to be scheduled. Man, things go so slowly! I was hoping to have that all out of the way before school started. So decisions could be made, and a transition outline BEFORE school starts.
Crazy me!!!

Another one bites the dust

2009-08-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

Had our home visit for CT. His case worker and GAL came by to check out the digs. Mainly checked out his room, and checked for safety. The basics.

Everything said , was geared towards him transitioning. We have to have a disclosure meeting. With all known to man. That will be scheduled for a week from Wednesday.

As I said, I have started our life book. I have decided to take Lisa's advice...and do a super hero narrated photo book. The "super boy" is a CT look alike. Red hair, a teddy bear, and a blue cape!
I am so psyched about this.

I am looking forward to a bit of progression, and time being spent with him.

EXCITING STUFF!!

Another Delay...SURPRISE!

2009-07-31T12:12:00.000-07:00

Our disclosure meeting scheduled for today, was rescheduled due to an emergency surgery for the GAL.
I am sorry that she needs surgery, whatever it is, but am pissed that we have had another delay.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I have started a "life book" for our family. To give to Carrot Top before transitioning occurs. The social worker recommended this. To show him his room. His family. His pets. Things of that sort.

I have given each child a page, one for Andy and I, one for pets, one for family fun, and two pages for carrot top "stuff". Any suggestions to make this great fun for a 5 year old?

I feel as though the summer is whizzing by, and I am not blogging much. I miss catching up with you all. Hope you are well!

Away we go....

2009-07-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

We had our first disclosure meeting with Carrot Tops social worker. IT WENT GREAT.
Got a lot more info, and found out that we are the only family that is being pursued for him.
WOO HOO!

One thing...
I am terrified.

I want to do what is right for him. For my littles at home. For our teenagers.
I want to be the best mommy and advocate.
What if I fall short of what this boy needs.
What if my bio babies get the shaft. Will they feel that they "weren't enough"?

I have revised our budget.
Scheduled alone time for each child. One on One time per week. And date night (one a month) for Andy and I.
I have hired extra help at daycare. So I can be away.
Be with the littles. Be with the big's.
Volunteer at Carrot Top's school (or bitch, watever is needed).

Is this normal to panic?
I just want to do a good job. These are my precious'. My most importants.
Whatta ya think?

Still crazy!

2009-07-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, so now must "catch you up".

It is, again, back to one.

The state awarded custody of "M" to his bio Aunt and Uncle. They are implementing a ton of services for them, and having a worker drop in almost everyday. They are in hopes that the bio fam will admit that they cannot care for "M", and it would be in his best interest to be adopted by another family. The grind of the 24/7 is supposed to help them reach this decision on their own. Grrrrrrr!!!!

I feel like it is setting "M" up to fail. But, whom am I?

We have a disclosure meeting with carrot tops case worker and therapist Thursday. I am super excited! At least things seem to be progressing in a positive way. My fingers are crossed (and toes).

We have been camping the past two weekends. It is nice to be able to spend time together as a family. Before you know it, our oldest will be graduating. We then start the process of loosing them. To adulthood. Pursuing their own dreams.

I posted a couple of camping pictures. Of the family.

ENJOY!

UGH! It's over.

2009-07-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

Vacation is over.

UGH!

Where did the time go? Have you ever noticed that when you want time to pass quickly, it creeps. When you want it to go slow, it whizzes right by you.

We had a great time. Didn't get to do all that we had hoped, due to rain and finances, but still a great time.

So it begins again tomorrow. Cherubs arrive at 6:00 am. I will be back on the phone with social workers. Paying bills. Laundry. Lunches...blah blah blah.

I am thankful for the time I was able to spend with the littlest Turners and Andy-the-great. Not much relaxing, but the kiddos I was chasing were all my own.

"CT" or "M"

2009-07-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Monday I received a call from "M's" social worker.
Remember, "M"? He was the child that set off this journey to adopt. "M" is the child that was placed with the bio-family, even though they expected it not to be a good placement.

Well, DUH!!!
They emailed us Monday, to tell us they they are contemplating removing him. They wanted to know if we were still interested.
Again, DUH!!!
Of course we are.

The catch?

We are also in the running, as you know, for Carrot Top.
So, we have fought to have one match. Now there may be two possibilities.
What do we do now?

We are continuing the process with both. We have been worked over far to many times, to trust in one working out. We feel an overwhelming obligation to "M". His quest for permanency seems to have been a long tough road. A few foster homes, and placed twice with the bio aunt. Never once to have worked out. However, with CT...Something happened in my heart when I saw him. That has not happened before. Could it be the months of lessons learned? The constant ebbs and flows. I don't know.

I guess time will tell. Again, WISH US LUCK!

He Did It!

2009-07-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

This is our coop, almost complete. It is now attached to the barn's side, and a lovely plank was erected. the girls are in their glory!

Lay me some eggs gals!

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

2009-07-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

Vacation fun! In the summertime...

You remember that Connie Francis tune. Well, I am singin' it baby!

My vacation officially started on Friday at 5:15. So far, rain.

We went to Mt. Blue State Park yesterday. Tried to salvage a beach day. RAIN!

We enjoyed a cook out at Andy's folks camp site instead. The littles thought it was great, just the same. We bought morning glory's at our local market. For Gabrielle's 4th of July fireworks. We forgot to use 'em.

That's Ok. We will do it tonight. She won't know the difference.

Today I have taken advantage of the partly sunny skies, and hung out 3 loads of wash. I also washed the hard wood floors in the living room, and the floor in the kitchen. This will ease the guilt I will be feeling, when I slack the next two days.

Tomorrow, the Maine Wildlife Park. Tuesday, Range Pond (or Bowling if it rains). Wednesday, cleaning and Gabrielle's riding lesson. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...CAMPING IN CONWAY, NH!!!

Root-toot-toot for V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!!!!

Still creeping along!

2009-07-02T06:17:00.002-07:00

This morning, I spoke with carrot top's (CT) social worker. Her supervisor happens to be on vacation this week, so we will have our interview scheduled next week.

Apparently what happens now, is this:

* Both potential families are interviewed. We meet with caseworkers and foster parents. Teachers and therapists. We then have the opportunity to decline or proceed. If we proceed...

* Both families strengths and weaknesses will be outlined, discussed, and a family selected.

* We are then notified, and transitioning is outlined and begun.

I was told that from interview to selection, is about a week. This is so families aren't waiting in limbo.
*Sigh*

We are in limbo.

I am anxious to interview.

People tend to look at us as just another "large" family. We Do have 6 children, that is true. I look at it as an asset. We have a ton of experience. All of our children have extremely different personalities, and individual needs. We are adept at handling many issues. Advocating for needs.
3 of our kiddos are teen-agers, one graduates this fall. One is 12. They are independent. They also spend 3 days a week with the "other" parent.

I/we are on vacation next week. We have many things planned. This will keep our minds busy. The kids will have fun, we will have some family time. All will be grand!

Moving on with it!

2009-07-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

IT ARRIVED!!
We received carrot tops detailed information packet. After wading through the mounds of documents, researching things we didn't understand, and asking questions...we decided to move forward with the process.

WISH US LUCK!!!

The Run-Down

2009-06-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

So, we made it through our baby's first birthday! It went really well. A handful of friends and family came to celebrate with us at our local play ground. Griffin enjoyed his bull-dozer cake. But stayed surprisingly clean.

My husbands directorial debut with OHMPAA (Oxford Hills Music and Preforming Arts Association), in Never Too Late, also has wrapped up. The last show and cast party was Sunday. He had a terrific run, all shows were nearly full, or full. It was a great comedy, with some great first time talent and a few veterans. My daughter, Alyssa, had one of the leads. She continually blew my mind. The girls got mad skill! Look out Broadway!! Even still...I am glad to have my family back. It takes a lot of time from them, and a lot "alone" time for me. I miss dinners at the table ( I hate eating alone), and sitting on the couch with my man and a movie. Time with my favorite adult.

We are still waiting on carrot tops information packet to arrive. I have never done this before, BUT his social worker has told me now that it has been narrowed down to two, it goes something like this....
*We receive information to review.
*After reading, discussing, and thinking on it...We make a decision to continue or not.
* They then have 48 hours (or so) to make a choice between families.
*We then meet with his social worker to discuss transitioning.
*Transition begins.

Now, it was said that we should know in 7 days if were are the matched family. You and I know that means at least 2 weeks. I have watched his video and stared at his picture a million times. I am cautiously optimistic. Hopeful. This is as far as we have EVER gotten. Is it in the cards for us? We'll soon see.

Chicken are growing. Dumb creatures, and messy as hell. Cluck and peck. That's it.

We have had only 3 days of sun in nearly two weeks. I fear my veggie garden is rotting. Molding where they sit! All that time and effort. *SIGH*

I guess that's it. You are officially in the loop!

Happy Birthday Fiff!

2009-06-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday little man!

You are one today, and your Mama could not be happier. You are the light I have always searched for. The dream in my minds eye.

I watch you smile your toothy grin, and know that you were meant for me. Meant to be placed in my arms . Meant to be kissed by my lips. Meant to hear my lullaby.

I look forward to watching you grow. Watching you become a man. Always to remain my little boy!

Gonna be great!

2009-06-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to think of something "blog-worthy". Something positive. Not a bitch or gripe.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED!

I got a call from a friend and former co-worker of Andy-the-Great. She invited me TO A MOVIE!
A chick flick. Like real adult women may do. We are even gonna visit our local Dollar Tree store. For candy to smuggle in (I know this is bad, but times are tough everywhere).

When we come out of the theatre...It may even have stopped raining.

Now that's a good day!

Mr. Sun

2009-06-23T05:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried keeping 10 children, and two infants inside for over a week?
OMG!
We have played board games, made play-dough, done word searches & mazes. Colored more pictures than I care to count. This morning, we are having donuts and a movie.

It is starting to get to us all. Tired of being cooped up inside. We want to play under the sprinkler. Walk to the park. Paint with spray bottles.

Thankfully my back is better. Or it would REALLY be bad!

OUCH!

2009-06-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I've done it.
It am on my way to see my doc for a wrecked back/shoulder/head thing. I don't know what I have done. The pain is terrible. I am taking 4, 500 mg Tylenol every 4 hours, with very little releif.
Wish me luck.

p.s. I DON"T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!

Big Man Walkin'

2009-06-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today's the day Griffin Allan Kent decided to BE A WALKER!
My baby boy is staggering around. Like a drunken sailor. My wonderful husband, posted the video..THE FIRST VIDEO...on his blog. I know that you all want to see it. Go ahead. Go see my baby walking to his Daddy (pay no attention to the lady in sweat pants with the crazy hair).

Come back and tell me how cute he is!!!

First full day update...

2009-06-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are.

The first FULL summer vacation day. It has gone pretty well.

MINUS the few fights over fair calls in our wiffle ball game and the deliberate potty accident, we made it through unscathed.

Only 46 days until school starts!!

Last Day Blues...

2009-06-16T05:26:00.000-07:00

No more teachers..
No more books..

Yes, today is the last day of school for our community. My life is going to officially suck!
I will have 12 cherubs here at Tee's House childcare. On top of my own spawn.

Our library program starts next week, and field trips the first of July. I am on vacation the second week of July!! WOOT!

Don't get me wrong...I have activities planned. Trips in the works.
But life is about to get a whole lot CRAZIER!!!

Here we go again...

2009-06-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

OMG! I am so excited.
We got the call from carrot top's social worker....we have AGAIN made it down to the final two.

If you remember, we were there once. They posted his profile on A Family For Me, and spotlighted him on Thursday's Child (you can see that on WABI 5 Bangor). Well, literally hundreds of home studies poured in after that feature. I was told that we would be put "back in the pile" to be weeded through. 5-10 would be chosen from the vat. 2 would be selected from that bunch. A more detailed portfolio would be sent to the two possible matches. The social worker and her supervisor would then select the best fit. If they declined, the second family would then be chosen.

Hooray! We have again made it to the finals!

I watched his video profile on Saturday. I cried. Butterflies were in my belly. A lump in my throat. Could he be destined for us.

I am trying to be calm, and expect the worse. All the while hoping for the best.
A red-headed Turner.

Happy 50th Anniversary Art & Alice!

2009-06-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we spent the day celebrating, with friends and family, my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. We had a "traditional" New England clam bake.

It was a great time. All came off without a hitch.

I made the anniversary cake. A three teared lemon cake with French vanilla icing. Accented with gold ribbon, white roses, snowball hyacinth's, and sea shells. I had so many compliments. The best part, it tasted GREAT! Every last piece was eaten. It is always good when it looks pretty...but, pointless if it tastes like crap!

All of our children were there. Gabrielle spent an hour playing in a puddle. Got wet...but, was behaving. Both she and Griffin napped for an hour. Right in the middle of eating. So, I had my "monster" (that's what Gabi calls it) in piece. I even got to sit with my husband AND the older kids. UNHEARD OF!

We dipped our piggy toes in the Atlantic, found a few sea shells, visited with old friends, and laughed. The ex-wife was even in attendance. No dirty looks, even. WELL, just one. But, that's a record!!!

A bagpiper played while they renewed their vows. Something magical about the sounds of the ocean, the bag pipes, and sentiments of love. Andy and I hired a vocalist to sing a few songs that Alice and Art danced to..the grand finale of which was Etta James At Last. Flawless.

A well deserving couple, got a special tribute. 50 years!

WOW!

Foster This!

2009-06-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

So, Andy and I received our license to Foster. We are hoping that this increases our exposure and chances to adopt. We also have a different case worker for this. SHE IS GREAT!!! She has emailed me twice this week. To see if I had questions or need any clarifications. AMAZING!!

I am told that we could get a call anytime. Today, tomorrow, three weeks. Who knows.
We have a room ready.

Waiting patiently...well, not really!

2009-06-10T05:38:00.001-07:00

Griffin's first birthday is creeping up on me. 3 weeks left. It is an exciting time. So much happening, developmentally, so fast.

Griffin is....

Waving

Cutting 3 teeth (AT ONCE)

Almost walking

Talking (kitty, ball, stuck, Dora, hi)

He eats all solid foods. Anything we eat

Plays pat-a-cake & peek a boo

Dances like a mad man. Sings up a storm (even uses a microphone)

I can't believe how fast time flies. How fast they grow and change. What a blessing each minute is with them. HOWEVER,you may want to remind me of this the next time he wants to play at 3:28 a.m!

Lady of Wisdom

2009-06-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

I went on a field trip today, with my son's 5th grade class.

We spent the day in our state's capital. It was so much fun. I have been there before, but never with Ty. I must say I was geared up for a day full of history and many yawns.

Surprisingly, NOT!

I spent the day with my 11 year old son, who was stuck to my hip like glue (smile). He ate lunch with me and put his arm around my waist when hearing a tour guide ramble on about bone needle embroidery (I guess he will never work in textiles).

I even learned a few things. For example...

There were 1200 females working in shoe shops in the 1950's. The tourmaline is the Maine state gem stone.Portland was the original capital of Maine. You can eat cattails and frog grapes. AND TY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. Her name is Mikayla, and she is sweet and pretty. He sat with me at lunch, however (smile).

Bright Sun Shiney Day

2009-06-06T04:53:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day in Maine.

I woke up to the coo of the morning doves (and Griffin's stinky britches). The sun was shining on my face through my window. I decided that TODAY was going to be great!

I am spending a quiet day with my kids. Andy-the-great has some set work to do for a show he is directing. Our oldest cherubs are off doing other things. So, it is my 3 youngest. Ty, Gabi, and Griffin.

We are gonna dig in the dirt. Tend to my garden a little, and then off to the play ground.

Today I will let my laundry sit. My dishes can pile up. My floor will remain streaked with mud. I am thankful for the time that I am given with them. Before you know it...I will be begging them for a minute. THEY, also, will be off doing "better" things than digging with Mom.

One, measly, response!

2009-06-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

I sent out the family bio info and inquiries to 22 Maine DHHS workers.

Yup!

22 social workers received our family spec's. Complete with photos of each, our house, and pets. Very informative, I must say. All in one easy-to-read page. Not an overload of info. Would take all of 5 minutes to read.

How many responses have I/we received?

ONE!!! ONE effing responses that said this...
"Wrong, Kathy Smith".

I am mad. Mad and extremely disappointed.

Maybe it's early yet.

Maybe there is a state wide, mandatory training for all adoptive case workers. One that takes them out of the office for the week, and doesn't allow email correspondence. Or maybe they are drivin crazy by email from buckfieldzmadmomma@yahoo.com.

Maybe I need to find something else to do.
*SIGH*

Meet the Turner's, again.

2009-06-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

I spent all morning sending out our family bio sheet and profile summary. 12 social workers from Bangor to Presq Isle. Biddeford and Lewiston. Portland and Augusta. A sort of introduction to us. The Turners.

I also contacted our adoption case worker. Told her what I was doing, and asked for her suggestions. She quickly responded..."There is no mystery to this" and "Your floating around somewhere".

GRrrrrrr!
There is some parent advocacy, if I ever saw some. Thanks for your help!

I am anxious to see the response, if any.

Andy and I have decided AGAINST the Meet & Greet scheduled on Saturday. It is not our favorite activity. Wrestling with other potential families for a few minutes with child.

We will keep on the way we have been. Doing what we can to get our name out there. Without compromising what we deem important.

I guess that is the best anyone can do!

The question is this...

2009-06-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

How do you go about finding these hundreds of children needing a family, in the state system?

Is it my responsibility to keep looking and asking for updates on new children available? How often should I send out our family bio, and inquiry? WHAT IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF OUR ADOPTION CASE WORKER??

I call DHHS, our regional office, at least once a month. I email our adoption case worker every two weeks. I never speak with her personally (she never returns my call). When I email her, I get one lined responses..."That's to bad"..."Thank you"..."No new updates".

I would imagine that there is a fine line between advocating and driving everyone nuts.

I have been in contact with other case workers in other regions. I know that they have their own families to advocate for.

I guess I am just perplexed. I can't figure out how these children EVER get placed.

Any advice???

Picture This...

2009-06-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, check out my hubby's blog,
longpatience.blogspot.com

It has really great pictures of my kiddos, and a bad one of me. I'd love to share them with you all. Andy is REALLY funny and I think you'll enjoy!!!

And There it is....

2009-05-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

Got the call, and here is the story.

Carrot top was featured on "Thursday's Child", for our state's adoption advocacy initiative. This was taped long before we had inquired about him. However, it JUST aired this week. The SW said "that due to overwhelming response to his case, they have decide to put him on hold until all home studies can be read and reviewed."

So we wait. AGAIN! For all home studies to be received, read, and reviewed.

BACK TO SQUARE ONE!

When you decide to do this, you put in the training and hours needed to become a certified adoptive or licensed home. You then, Naively, think that you will be getting "THE CALL" the very next day. No such luck.

We have been at it for a full year now. There is no end in sight. So, we will continue to wait...for carrot top, for "M". For just the right fit.

**SIGH**

NOTHIN'!!!

2009-05-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have called...and left messages. Two now.
I know that the Sw was not in the office yesterday, but...sigh!
I am taking that as a sign in THE OTHER FAMILIES favor. Oh Woe Is Me..sigh (again)!
So, it is back to looking, and waiting, and hoping, and waiting, and calling, and waiting some more.

I am determined to post some good news.
Hmmmm...Let's see.

Oh, My daughter's birthday is Sunday! Alyssa is turning 15, and signed up for Driver's Education (that is NOT good news). As I mentioned in an earlier post, we are having a Rock Band fest tonight, and going to the theatre tomorrow. Woo Hoo!

So, Happy Birthday Gracie Mae!! I love you with all of my heart!

XOXOXOXO

Ring Damn It!

2009-05-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

It is like watching water boil...you wait and wait and wait!

Still no call or email. That's gotta be bad, huh?

Hump Day Grumps!

2009-05-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

So it is officially mid-week.

Hump Day, and I have the grumps.

I haven't heard a word about our carrot top. I was told that I would have more info by "mid-week". Now, I am not so naive to think that our boy is the only boy on this SW's case load. I know how over worked and underpaid she is. Andy-The-Great and I have been waiting and wading through all the bureaucratic sludge for a year now. I am anxious to see the light at the end.

I was also told that my Ex husband would not be doing anything for my 15 year old's birthday this weekend. He said that she is to busy. WHAT?!? In what world is handing your child a card and some cash acceptable? So, I am scampering to throw together a Rock-Band fest on Friday night for a bunch of teen-agers. I must be nuts!!! Saturday we are taking her to see SWEENEY TODD at the Portland Players. I think that Andy and I will love it as much as she will. We are getting a sitter and going out like real adults do (or so I am told). At least I am making sure that it doesn't go unnoticed.

Finally, why is it that the last two nights in a row, my youngest children think that 2:30 in the morning is "get up time"? If it is dark...WE SLEEP!!! There is not enough coffee in the world to help me.

Planting a seed

2009-05-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

Spent the weekend planting our veggies. A lot of hard work, but very rewarding. To stand there and see the seedlings ready to grow fruit for our family. Now, a little luck that they will survive. Spring time in Maine can be up and down temperature wise.

Isn't that they way with everything. You plant a seed of thought or hope, and wish it the best. Take care of it the best way you know how...and cross your fingers!

I am glad that I had things to keep me busy. It made the long weekend blow by. I only thought about the match meeting on Friday a few times. I am hoping that we hear something today. The boy's SW told me that the meeting was on Friday morning and that we should get a packet of personal history by mid-week this week. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL MID-WEEK to see if we have been picked. Is she crazy!?!

I will do the best I can, NOT to make her insane. Not call every few min's. At least let her take her coat off this morning before checking in.

Andy-the-great and I will be attending another Meet & Greet, June 6th. We are not big fans of this type of gathering. Last time we attended, there were about 25 children awaiting families, and about 30 families, and their children, looking to adopt. We had to almost stand in line to connect with a child in waiting.

I understand the concept, and if families were limited to a smaller group, it may work better.

We are attending, however, because our carrot top will meet us there. For the first time. We will arrive a bit earlier than the other families, and have our own few moments with him. It is not expected for him to be there very long. He has to travel an hour and a half, to get there. Yuck! I can imagine that he won't be at his best. Doesn't matter to me. We have no real expectations.

Just crossing our fingers, and hoping he will grow. Grow in our care...

The Wiating Child's Lullabye

2009-05-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

KISSES IN THE WIND

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--written by Pamela Durkota

Another Call...

2009-05-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

YEA, Sunny Day!

It is going to be close to 90 degrees today, I am told. WOOT! The kids are already out playing. I am drinking coffee and chatting with you fine people.

All is right with the world.

So, I got a called yesterday about a possible match. She said first thing, "I am not afraid of large families, like most SW's."

Okay. I guess that I was unaware of the stigma placed on larger families. I thought that the fact that I am home all day, we are good parents, and people would speak louder than how many children we had.

Anyway...I am not going to say much about it, other than

He is a five year old RED HEAD.

I don't want to jinx it. WISH US LUCK!!!

Meet My Son!

2009-05-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

After visiting my blog last night, my son Ty (age 11) noticed that there was not quite enough news about him posted. He said that all of my "Bluddies", blog buddies, are interest in him TOO.

So, meet my son!

He is almost 12, and will forever be my baby. I did not think that I would have any others. So, I poured my heart and soul into this "last baby ever".

He slept with me until nearly 9. I still cut his meat, but on Andy's advice, I am trying to stop that.

Ty questions me about EVERYTHING. He wants to make sure that he is doing it correctly, and he apologizes about others just so his Mama will feel better.

He will kill any creepy crawler that I need shooed. Ty still kisses and hugs me every night. He laughs loud, and loves me hard!!!

He once asked me how I thought his future wife would feel to have me come on their honeymoon. LOL!

I shall remind him of this on his wedding day!

Ty is incredibly smart, but only does the bare minimum needed. He is athletic. Modest. Kind. Funny. Sarcastic. And, he looks just like his father. Almost as if I had no part in him at all. But, I was there. 32 hours of labor. 2 1/2 hours of pushing that melon out of my body.

He is mine. My boy. My love.

Wee little peeps...

2009-05-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

Andy and I are raising chickens.

Yup. You heard me correctly. Chickens.

As if 6 children, two dogs, and two cats weren't enough. I decided to raise chickens for eggs. I am even considering a pig, and maybe a cow.

We are also growing a larger garden this year. You know... tomatoes, corn, beans, squash, cukes, and herbs. Strawberries, and melon.

Our own little homestead.

Becoming more self sufficient, and saving money in the long run. Also teaching our children about the value of hard work. The reward at the end.

And, I am just plain NUTS!

2009-05-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

So, Andy and I modified our adoption license. From JUST adoption, to Foster/Adopt. We had ANOTHER state visit and inspection yesterday. They asked about us doing reunification work, and I just don't think I have that in me. I have followed many of your blogs, the ones that so nobly do reunification fostering, and I just don't see how I can watch them leave. Many will return again to the system. This I will think long and hard about.

So, at this point we will foster to adopt. Or do long term fostering. Cases that point toward TPR. This, again, is no guarantee. I do feel that this will give us a better chance of finding the right fit.

It will be three weeks before we will have our license to start, and who knows from there. You think that you will get your license...and the following day....have a placement. NOPE!

It is a long process.

We are anxious to be able to start this journey. I think that it is something that I am meant to do, and I am excited!

Just Like Her Mom...I hope!

2009-05-07T05:34:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my oldest daughter, Alyssa. Alyssa the strong, stubborn, opinionated, smart, sarcastic, and mouthy girl. The theatre geek and reader of all that is written. The over achieving, straight "A" receiving fruit of my womb.

I struggle with this beauty.

I struggle to get her to drop the attitude, and "Just do what I say, damn it!" I struggle with the eye rolling, and sighing. The "I know, MOM!"

I struggle with the fact that she is going places.

This girl that I would hold for hours on end, and watch sleep. My girl that would sing, "I am the most beautiful girl in the world...la la la". The child that would call me her "bestest" friend.

She will, in a few short years, leave her mother. Move out into the world and realize all of her dreams. I have never known a child to be so determined to do just that.

Alyssa is the kindest, most giving, and most loving soul.

She will give her last bite (not to me, but...) to someone in need.

I am continually enamored by her beauty.

I made her. She grew inside of my body. I raised her to love. To stand up for herself and what she believes (however, I pay for it now). To work hard and laugh loud. To give, and to receive with thanks. To dream.

AND TO LOVE HER MOTHER ALWAYS!!

A fine Farewell....

2009-05-06T06:58:00.000-07:00

That's it! It's officially a Junker! We have known it for sometime, but were holding on as long as we could!

Our 1994 Chevy Suburban (POS) is going to the scrap heap! In order to get it inspected, we were quoted $1200.

$!@#!!!

$1200.00 worth of repair to make the vehicle worth $2000.00.

YEAH RIGHT!

So, at this point we are driving my mother-in-laws car. It seats 5. We look like clowns at a circus, spilling out of that thing!

So, we are searching. For a car that will hold all of our brood, and be affordable.

LMAO!!!

Farewell, sweet prince!

And so it goes...again!

2009-04-29T04:55:00.000-07:00

I got an email from "M's" caseworker. You all remember this boy?
They were going to place him with his not-so-fit (in my opinion) Biological Aunt and Uncle. Well something is up....

The email stated that he was going to be reevaluated by his doc. They were waiting for results of that. She was torn about his case. The home environment that would best suit his needs...or biological family. The caseworker asked that Andy and I "keep in touch".

Hmmmm.....
Just another ploy to hook us. Will we be thrown back? How many chances are they going to give this family before they decide it is not right?

We have sent out queries on 5 other children. None of which happen to be in Maine.
One was sent to a "match meeting". We bowed out after a lot of consideration. This child should be the youngest. He was very jealous and needy (I would be as well, if I walked in his shoes), and wouldn't work well with 2 younger siblings. Especially a 10 month old.

I am surprised any children actually get adopted. There seems to be a never ending line of hoops to jump through. A lot of paper work to wade through...and bureaucracy.

Still there are those of us who keep plugging away. Muddling through. Hoping that someday we will be given the chance. The chance to love a child in need, and perhaps make a difference.

I'm back!

2009-04-27T06:42:00.000-07:00

Yup.
Out of the Quagmire! Better than before!
I have dealt with my issues...had a good heaving sob...and am back on the horse.
THANK GOD FOR SUNSHINE!!!

Stuck!

2009-04-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

Ever feel though you are knee deep in muck. In all the shit that is life?
I have been stuck in it for almost 2 weeks.
No matter how I try, and can't get my boots loose. They get sucked back.

I have his hang up about doing something meaningful. Something that defines me as more than just a mother. Just a wife. Those of you who have small children know that doing something "big" is hard. I am lucky if I can keep up with the laundry. If dinner gets made. Pillow cases changed.

That's on a good day. Never mind if someone is sick or cutting teeth. Then I can't even pee on my own.

Well that being said, I feel as though I am the only one in my house standing still. Stuck in the crap.

LEFT BEHIND.

That is actually what it all comes down to.

I. Am. Left. Behind.

My husband is directing a show for our local theatre group. I am so happy to see him once again involved. He loves it, and I love to see the fire of creativity in his eyes.

That is how we met. There is nothing so great, as being on stage. Especially when the person that you love most is standing with you. Sharing the spot light. Sharing the laughs.

It's OUR thing.

Andy-the-great is also going back to college. Again, I couldn't be more proud. It takes a lot to tuck your tail, and retake those shitty classes you failed. Sitting next to the over achieving 18 year old. Thinking about your classes..paper due...and making it to the dump on Saturday. No kegger for him.

I know that it may sound as though I am a bit jealous of my love.
I AM NOT!
I desperatly want him to go for it!
Do all those things that make him better...and happy. Creative. Successful.

I would like to be a partner in that. Not a spectator.

I want to help with the show. Be a reader. Sit behind him and watch him work. Share the "stories" that become the show.

I want to go to school too. Share that experience. Be able to talk about the professor with the bad comb over, and coffee breath. Research the theory of evolution.

3rd person, sucks!

It seems as though everything that makes him better...more creative...successful..
is without me. Away from me.

I am forever stuck in a mound of dirty Curious George panties and toddler socks. Making Fluffanutter sandwiches and chocolate milk. Watching other people walking on the road, while I am stuck in the muck!

Man.
Perhaps I need to board the Zoloft train.

The cutest Picture EVER!

2009-04-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of my little "Fiff". The little bugga is crawling, and standing all alone. He is clapping and dancing. Even trying to sing.

I thought I was done having children. Completely content with my ,then 12 and nine year old.

Then in 2006, I got pregnant with Gabrielle. Such a surprise. I was overwhelmed and extremely excited! Starting again!

At that point, I KNEW I WAS DONE!

However, other plans were made for us. I found out I was pregnant in 2007. I was stunned and confused. I was not at all sure how I could handle another baby. Gabrielle was just over a year old. Still waking up at night, wearing diapers, and in a car seat. Not my grandest plan, or so I thought.

Griffin has been the greatest blessing of my life. One of the BEST surprises! He is the happiest, most content baby I have ever seen. Always a smile on his face. People stop us in a crowded mall, to pay the the littlest Turner a compliment.

All of us are enamored by him. Gabi loves her playmate.

I couldn't have planned it better!!!

So Lucky!

2009-03-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

Who could be so lucky, as to have something this sweet written about them? For them. To them.
I woke up to check my email, and read the new blog entries of those I follow.
Here is what was posted on my husbands blog.....

Kneading Her
I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself grasping for Corrine.A blind reach, almost flailing. I don't remember having a nightmare, and I didn't have the telltale symptoms either: shortness of breath, cold sweats, racing heart.I just woke up and suddenly had to touch her.She sleeps a quantum distance away most of the night, because we have two children: two-year-old Gabrielle and 9-month-old Griffin, both of whom start the evening in their own beds but always end up with us.I love and hate this. I love it for all the reasons you parents reading this might be able to enumerate yourselves: the indescribable feeling of love one gets from knowing your children still need you; the way a child's warm body feels next to yours; the fact that for each passing night, they grow older and therefore - by human nature - are looking for ways to get the hell away from you.I hate it because, well, nothing kills the rising tide of intimacy than knowing your child is sleeping in the same bed as your lover.The early-morning awakening was not that though. I wasn't looking to get a little, if you know what I mean.I had a heaviness in my chest. The kind of emotion that feels like there's a hole there, but it also feels weighted.I get this every so often. It's a feeling of loss. And my immediate reaction is reach out. Cling. Smother.The best therapy for me is to place my hands on her back, beneath her shirt, and to rub. The way a cat kneads. An almost desperate message, starting at the lower back. I put my thumbs together and fan the fingers out and press them into her flesh.I use the heals of my hands and drive them up her spine, the fingertips coursing ahead, making sure the entire back is touched. To the shoulder, then back down. I'll take my left hand and knead her left side, while the right hand traces up and down her back. It's this constant motion, a deep, forceful message.I'm not doing it for any other reason than to appease my own fears. And I couldn't elaborate on what those fears are. I don't know what they are. It's like I said, I wake up and feel like I've suffered a loss in some way. Do I dream of losing her? No. I've never dreamed that. In fact, I don't even remember what I was dreaming when these episodes occur.It's a trigger. I wake up and I'm fully awake. I feel heavy-chested but hollow. The message fills the vacancy. The connection recharges the batteries, I suppose. Fills me up and, like a child who finds himself momentarily lost in the supermarket, the touch is like that moment the child finds his mother again, in the bread aisle.You catch your breath and you sigh relief, but the fear is still lingering and it forces you toward her. You have to touch her. She has to be tangibly there. And when you are by her side, all is right again and you feel kind of stupid for getting lost and feeling like it was the end of the world.I know the last thing she needs is to be woken up. Again. In the night. By someone needy. Corrine has not had a full night's sleep since 2004, when she met me.But I appreciate her being there. Boy do I ever.
Posted by Andrew Scott Turner.

Not often do people have things written about them with such a warm spin put on it.
Often a gripe or bitch.
My husband didn't wake up and say "I love you". He wrote this for the world.

I NEED YOU TOO, BABE!!!

2009-03-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

WOW. Has it really been that long since my last blog. HOLY TOLEDO!
So, there are 2 new and exciting things to report to you all.

1) I am in the process of opening a Childcare Center!
Yup. Right here in Buckfield, Maine. The first ever!! I will (hopefully) be licensed for UP TO 49 children. Ages 6 weeks - 11 years. I have various programs in the works for different ages. From book clubs and tumble tots, to a mini gym and preschool.

Am I excited? Hell Ya!
Am I scared? TO DEATH!!!
You never know if you don't try. I have so many great ideas, and experience in a bunch of different areas. Also, there is nothing like this in our area. NOTHING! A definite need. I hope it flies!

2) I got an email from a caseworker about a child. A 3 year-old boy. A match meeting (not exactly sure what this is) will be held on April 1st. I am quietly ECSTATIC!!! He has a few minor medical issues that are being resolved. The sweetest smile YOU HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

If any of have been a party to a "match meeting' please let me know what this means to/for us.

Anyway, I will try to blog a little more regularly. I miss you all!

Absolutly Needed!

2009-03-12T05:54:00.000-07:00

I had a "girls day" today. Grown-up girls, even.
Yup.
Went shopping. It is 1/2 off Wednesdays, at the Salvation Army. Spent $10.17. WOOT!
Then, we shopped Mardens. A discount store. Has everything under the sun! I got a pair of shoes, Strawberry Shortcake earmuff's for Gabi, earrings, Jelly-Belly smoothies, a bra, and a bird house. Spent $14.00. Can you believe it!
Then, we even went out to lunch.
I KNOW!!!
No high chairs...or happy meals. No one even screamed. No quick trip to the potty between fries.
AMAZING.
I needed that. You sometimes get caught up in your day to day, and forget that adult people are out there.
So, thank you Bobbi & Michelle. I had a great time, and am alrerady planning the "NEXT TIME"!

Fate at work?

2009-03-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

Got a call from "M's" social worker.
The bio Aunt/Uncle's home study has been approved. APPROVED!
Does that mean "M" will automatically be placed in their home? NO, or so I am told.
She asked that we "sit tight" for the next few months. "Let the process work". What will happen is that "M" will be placed within the home, after the issues that have been identified in the home study process (WTF?) have been fixed. They will "pop" in to make sure that they are in compliance with the directions they are given. That they do not maintain their chaotic life style. Great for an autistic child.
Truthfully, we want what is best for "M". I am not convinced that this is the best place for him to grow up. 5 years down the road, I will get a call for placement of this child, who has yet again regressed into a non-verbal state.
For 9 months we have been fighting for this little boy. Who doesn't even know that someone is out there. Looking out for him. Wanting all the best for him. Willing to open there home and heart for him FOREVER!!!!!
So, I guess that is the end. Of our "road to M"
A "Thanks for your interest, and all of your help", and bye.
My heart is broken.

I have no doubt that we will find just the right child. The "meant to be". It doesn't make this any easier.

And, I am mad as hell at the state for pushing a child into a home that may (or may not) be best for them. Because they have some family history. I would be all for this placement if they did NOT already returned him to custody once.

Deep breath.
Blow nose.
Move on.
You can't save the world.....

41 Reasons I Love You (Happy Birthday Andy!)

2009-03-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

1. Your passion
2. You are a great father
3. Your super funny, and sarcastic
4. Your generosity
5.The way you accept my children as your own
6. You let Gabi paint your toe nails
7. Unbelievable skills with a grill
8.Your unconditional love
9.You do what you love...write
10.The twinkle in your eyes
11.You hold my hand in public
12.Your a little bit naughty
13.You like disco!
14.Your willing to try anything new...once.
15. You've seen my belly, and like it!
16.You play games
17. Your tatted and pierced
18.Back rubs
19. Your romantic
20. Gabrielle Marrae
21. Griffin Allan Kent
22.Creativity
23. Trust
24. You dream
25.Laughter
26. You kiss me slow and deep
27. You let me be me.
28. I'm comfortable
29. The long talks at night.
30. Picnics
31. Foot rubs
32. Fallon Paige
33."Walks" in the cemetery

34.Harrison Scott
35. You love to love
36. Your sexy
37.You are not a mechanic
38.You eat whatever I cook
39. We dance
40.We snuggle
41. YOU LOVE ME!!!

It's official

2009-02-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

We got the letter today. The hubby and I are officially licensed as adoptive parents for a child aged 0-7. It only took 6 months. If it were a biological child your pregnant for almost 10.
I contacted "M's" SW Tuesday. Nothing to report. His bio A/U finished their home study, and are awaiting their caseworkers impressions. I was assured that they were hurrying that along. "M" has been TPR'd since November. They want to give him a forever home soon. Start the transitioning..somewhere...any where.
A PET was held at his childcare center. OT, DT, speech pathology, and his social worker were all involved. They are having his autism reevaluated. He is on the low end, very low end, of the spectrum. I (yes patting myself on the back) suggested this be done 2 weeks ago. It will change the way he is taught at the center. A good thing for "M".

Just when I start to feel that this is never going to happen for us, that "M" will go to the A/U, and that all hope is lost...I remember the beautiful children that I have. The joy that they bring me. I realize that I don't have it very bad. I should stop the whining. People have it worse...after all, our neighbor ran over a skunk with his snow blower yesterday.
NOW THAT'S BAD LUCK!!!

Happy Birthday Harrison!

2009-02-25T10:16:00.000-08:00

My step son, Harrison, is turning 15 today.
He is seen here with his sister, my step-daughter, Fallon.
I have only been in his life for a short 4 years, but love him immensely!
It is funny how a child can move right into your heart. Biologically yours or not.
So, I wish you happy birthday! May all that you dream come true!!!!

XOXOXOXOXO

PHEW!!

2009-02-25T06:04:00.000-08:00

Got the call last evening.
Dad's test results are in..all within NORMAL limits! YAY!
He will still be going to meet with the Hematologist on Friday. His blood panels were on the high end of normal, so we need to still do a little research on what that is all about. But, in his words...."I am going to live!"
Phew, I am thankful.

On top of that...we got our cell phone back. Fixed...better than before!
Maybe our luck is changing!

A Week's Worth of Waiting.

2009-02-24T05:37:00.000-08:00

So, on Friday...the 13th...My Dad had chest pain. Went to the ER.
After 6 hours and multiple tests, it was concluded that he was NOT having a heart attack. They suggested that he call his primary care doc to set up a stress test, and a blood panel work-up.
On Tuesday of the next week, he went in to have fasting blood work done. This was at 6:45.
They called him to come BACK IN at 12:00. Apparently his white blood cells were way up, and his lymphocytes were also flagged as abnormal. At that time they gave him a chest CT scan, as well as a flow cytology work-up (more blood). We were told that they were ruling out lymphoma and leukemia. His primary care doc also said that the flow cytology report would pick most any type of cancers, and would be back in 2-3 days.
YEAH RIGHT!
We have called EVERYDAY since then. Over a week now. They claim that there are still no results from the blood panel work-up.
Dad still remains symptomatic. Chest heaviness, arm tingling, fatigue, heartburn, loss of appetite, and joint pain.
He called me, in tears. The wait is killing him. I realize that people are busy. Other people are sick. Not just MY father. But, the hurry-up-and-wait game is a serious pain in the ass!
Just one more roller coaster ride.
I want to get off now!

Introducing....

2009-02-22T08:58:00.000-08:00

The newest addition to the family....
SAMWISE GAMGEE!

We got our newest friend, Friday. He is great fun for all the kiddos. Plays ball, catches Frisbee's, loves to walk, cleans all the dirty faces!
And look at that face. Oh so kissable!

It's About Time....

2009-02-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

I received word today that our home study is done, and approved.
Hallelujah!
This was supposed to be done by the first week in January.
If it all goes at this pace...we should know what is going to happen with "M" by next February.

Good news, that is behind us. We are cautiously optimistic about the next few months!!!

Thursday pic's

2009-02-19T03:33:00.000-08:00

My Oldest Hottie

Fallon, my amazing step-daughter

The Littlest Princess

My two lovely daughters!

The Biggest Looser?

2009-02-15T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well this is my last day of "freedom". Freedom to eat whatever the hell I want. You see tonight I start my quest to loose 45 lbs, when I weigh in on the Buckfield's Biggest Looser scale.

Some may say that I "don't need to loose a pound" (Thank you hunny bun and Ty boy). However, it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Just my own body image. The way I feel about myself. I feel better when I am healthier.

So if your in the area, and you see me walking with my handsome lil' pug...DO NOT OFFER ME A TWINKIE!!! Beep your horn, and throw me a wave. Who knows...I could be Buckfield's Biggest Looser!

Bad News?

2009-02-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

Talked with the social worker again.
Apparently "M" has been granted visitation with the bio Aunt/Uncle. Spent his first afternoon with them on Sunday. He was brought back on screech. Took a few hours to get him calmed down. I know that this is expect with any major transition.
The bio A/U are adding an addition to the house they live. Will become "M's" room, if granted custody.
They cancelled the home study due to occur this week. Shooting for next week, I am told. The Aunt has had something from her past "sprout up". The s/w told me that she would need to address that before a decision is made.
I guess I feel that they/she could promise ANYTHING. Words are cheap!
Her actions, to me, speak louder. They have left him in custody for almost 4 years. Come On!

For the moment, we will keep on keeping on.
Plenty to focus our time.
Gabrielle is still sick. Spent Monday night in the ER. I would rather eat s*%# than have my kiddos sick. My heart breaks every time I wipe her crusted nose, hear her seal barking cough, or listen to her aching whine.

We had plans for Valentine's day. The hubby and I.
Notice I said had. We will cancel the sitter. Hang close to home. After all...dinner with 6 kids can be romantic. Right?

Peaks and Vallies

2009-02-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

So, Last week I was up about the 60%-40%. This week...not so much up. I spoke with "M's" social worker AGAIN. She told me that they had a really good visit with the bio A/U. They will be doing another home study visit with them and the kids (3, I think) this coming week. If they have another good study, the guardian ad lei tum will do a few "pop-in" visits. He/she will want to check out the home and chaos. The social worker will also be doing some "pop-in's" on the A/U.

Just when I think we are getting close to a decision...any decision.

The hubby and I have decided to not sit idle. We have been invited to a meet & greet, and we will attend. This is geared towards waiting children ages 5-10. Who knows.

On another note, thanks to all of you for the well wishes. I think I am finally kicking this bug's ass. Well... for the time being. I will need to be well to take care of the rest of the herd. I am sure that they will be getting a turn soon enough.

Brace Yourself....

2009-02-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

So here it comes.
Mr. Snifflingsneezingcoughingachinstuffyheadfever! Both Griffin and I are being visited by this scum ball. I expect that Gabrielle and Andy will be next in line.

No rest for the weary.....

Prince Charming

2009-02-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

For those of you who follow my husbands blog, Andy is always posting little notes and quotes beside an old picture of me. Here is my turn at it.

This was my main man in kindergarten. All 24 pounds of him. Cutie-patootie!

Who could have imagined that I would be so lucky as to share a life with this young man. 6 children between us, a home, a POS truck in the drive, bills, debt, and a whole lot of happiness.

I wouldn't change a thing babe! NOT ONE THING! I am so proud of your accomplishments. Your dreams come true.
You are my "happily ever after!"

XOXOXO

Monday News....

2009-02-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

It has been a little while since my last blog...and to the 2 people who actually read it, I apologize!

I spoke with "M's" social worker last Thursday. I had said that I wouldn't call her. (I did hold off from my usual Tuesday call.) I was told that things were looking 60%-40% our favor. That is with a passed home study, and issues outlined and being worked on by the Aunt. They are also trying to speed things along at this point. "M" has been TPR'd since November, and in custody for 3 years. It is time for him to have permanency.

As far as the Aunt and uncle...I have mixed feelings. They are NOW working hard at getting "M" back in their custody. Where have they been the last 3 1/2 years. Also, they RETURNED HIM INTO STATE CARE as an infant. What makes them think now will be better. I wasn't told exactly what, but they have some personal "issues" also. The Aunt and Uncle, that is. And a"few" children with a whole lot of chaos. They are also trying to educate them about autism. "M" is on the low end of the spectrum disorder.

We just want what is best for "M". I hope that they also have his best interest at heart.
I do try and keep an open mind, and be non judgemental. It is hard!

Other than that, no news to report. I guess that is a good thing. Sometimes, quiet is best!!!

What's the hold up???

2009-01-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

So, I was promised that our license would be in hand by mid January.
Nope!
I contacted my placement social worker, and she has yet to finish typing up our home study report.
My Gosh!
We have finished our part in the process, mid November.
We wait. And wait. And wait.
Will it ever come to pass? Will we ever have our ending?

The Crazy Kids

2009-01-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

Here they are!
Two crazy cats.
Fallon got a new digital camera for her birthday. She is quite talented, I must say. Here is one of my favorite candids. Gabrielle has discovered a new kind of relationship with her oldest sister! It is nice to see. Fallon is warm and loving. Gabrielle goes to her for honest answers. Fallon treats her like a bigger kid.
She seems to get certain things from the kids.
Harrison is her playmate. He has tea, and plays barbies with her.
Alyssa is her 2nd mother. Snuggles, rocks, and kisses her boo-boo's.
Ty is her wrestling partner. He tickles her. Makes her scream with delight!
I am always amazed at the love ALL the kids have for both her and Griffin. They are incredibly lucky to have such a great support system in their older siblings. They will always be taken care of. I know that these children will whole heartedly welcome another child.
Maybe "M".

THANKS!

2009-01-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

PHEW!
We made it through the weekend from hell. Pipes are fixed, water is restored, furnace is fixed.
Waa Hoo!!!
Thanks to my princes...John D, Bonda-Boo, and my hubby...Andy-the- great!
I appreciate all of your hard work, ALL WEEKEND LONG!
Just another Monday morning in Buckfield. Daycare is open today. However, I only have 5 cherubs (and NOT complaining). A lot of clean-up left to do.

I am hoping to hear some good news this week. Our license arriving in the mail, perhaps. Maybe "M's" social worker calling. I have all but stopped hoping for that to happen. Let the chips fall where they may, so to speak. But, I have to admit...I have become a little attached to this soul. I have followed him with hopes of adding him to our family for 5 months. I have become quite concerned with his well-being. And will remain so.

All of our other kiddos are well. Griffin is now waiving, Gabrielle all potty trained, Ty gaining in the basketball fundamentals, Alyssa got the lead (almost unheard of for an underclassmen) in her school's one Act show, Harrison has been scoring a lot of points and starting on his basket ball team, and Fallon just turned 17!!! A lot to keep us busy.
A lot to make us content.
A lot to be thankful for. And I am.

I am thankful for my heat. My family. The love of my life that sleeps next to me (though not nearly enough). My beautifully wonderful children. Help that we receive from others. Kisses. Cake. And sunshine!

Happy Birthday Fallon!

2009-01-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

So, today is our 16 (no 17) year old's birthday.
Many of you also follow my husband's blog (andrewscottturner), so none of this will be a surprise...BUT
We had decided to sleep on a mattress on the living room floor last night. Our furnace has been kicking off, so in order to guarantee warmth of the fire place, we camped out!
At 3:30 a.m, the fire alarm went off...apparently the batteries were dead. So up we got.
Stoked the fires, checked the water for freezing. All was well.
Griffin woke up at 4:45. Needed to eat.
Up we went. Stoked the fires...heat had shut off. Cold, but warm in the living room. Checked the water. Frozen.
Frozen in the bathroom.
Andy proceeded to get the heat gun out to thaw them.
The damn pipe BURST!!!!
Water was spewing all over our bathroom floor.
Long story short, it took 20 minutes to find the shut off valves. Standing water was in the bathroom.
Water had to be shut off to THE WHOLE HOUSE!
Still no furnace.
The bathroom floor will need to be replaced.
Insulation re-done.
Who knows about the other pipes that are sure to be frozen at this point!
Sometimes you just need a little break.
A small victory.
We are waiting......

Weight Loss Woe's

2009-01-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

So, I have decided I HAVE GOT TO LOSE a little of my weight. I gained a bit with the last pregnancy, and just kept it on after. In my previous life (that is what I call my first marriage), I had gained a BIG amount. With unhappiness came a whole lot of Devil Dogs and a big ol' butt!
I decided that I didn't want to look like that anymore. Walked, kick boxed and lost 69 3/4 pounds!!! You betcha!
So, I know that I can do it!
The difference now, in this life, is that Andy doesn't care about my weight. His version of what I look like, is different than mine. He, after all, is the one who sees me naked. That makes it a little difficult to PUT THE TWINKIE DOWN!
I will be looking into joining our local fitness center. This will also help me to work out the aggression that I have built up. Rid the DHHS stresses. Eliminate the laundry back-up tension. Help me deal.
No, I have no intention of walking away from the Ring-Dings. I will never abandon my Funny Bones. I am committed to my relationship with Ben & Jerry. I just want to partake in them...with a smaller ass. Burn up those guilty calories.
Lay in bed, with my honey bun (Andy, not the cake) and eat a strawberry shortcake!

ANOTHER Tuesday update...

2009-01-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

Finally heard from "M's" caseworker. It seems that they are now, seriously, considering placement for him. WITH HIS BIO-Aunt & Uncle. If you have read any of my previous blogs, you know that she has had custody of him before, and returned him. There has also been numerous red flags with her home study, which will be addressed and corrected. I am told.
The state has a policy of kinship placement...unless absolutely impossible. I understand that. Really, I do.
Soooo, now we wait for another "match".
I am glad that "M" will continue a relationship with his bio-fam. It is important he know where is came from. Who he came from.
My heart is broken, just the same.
I am convinced that the perfect little somebody will come along for our family.
Just don't feel real hopeful right now.

Tuesday's update on "M"

2009-01-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

I call "M's" social worker every Tuesday. Every Tuesday morning.
Every Tuesday Morning at 10:00 a.m.
Rain or shine...hot or cold...in sickness and in health.
I call to touch base with her. Find out about any progress that we/they are making, and generally how "M's" week has been.
I called today, SHE WAS NOT IN!
Can you believe that? Not in.

So, I called at 12:00, and 2:00, and will call again at 4:00.
Yes, I am a bit neurotic. Can't help it. It is my only connection with him right now.
I am also afraid that if I fail to connect with her, just once...they will forget that we are here.
Here waiting.
For a word of hope.

Lovely Days

2009-01-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

I love days like these.
I woke up at 5:00 a.m to start a fire in the fireplace. Usually Andy takes care of this. I thought that he may appreciate the extra minutes of sleep. The Little's woke up at 5:45, and so did the hubby.
He finished my start (he is better at it than I), and made coffee.
I lay down with Gabrielle to watch Charlie and Lola. She watched the program, I dozed of. I woke up at 8:15. Andy was watching the cherubs and let me nap.
THANK YOU, BABE!
After breakfast, I sat my bum on the couch. Decided to look at some pictures to get ideas for my next painting. I drank 2 cups of coffee with little disruption...THANKS BABE!
Bathed Gabrielle and Griffin...made lunch...did 2 loads of laundry...got the Little's to nap...and fully intend on taking advantage of the quiet with a nap myself!
It's rough!
It is nice and toasty in here with the fires going, and my belly is full. The man of my dreams is laying on the couch, (Yes, honey. You do snore.) and I will join him shortly.
Could there be anything to make you more happy?
A warm home.
Sleeping babies.
True love.
Aaaaaaaaaa! Contentment!

Welcome New Year!

2009-01-01T10:41:00.001-08:00

Hello 2009!
I DEMAND that you are good to us.
We have worked hard at being good people. Good parents and partners. Good citizens in our little community. Good children to our parents. We have tried!

My goal for you, 2009, is simple. Besides the routine resolutions of losing 10 pounds, being a more patient parent, and a supportive spouse... I have made a unique (to me anyway) one. One simple and random act of kindness a week. I had intended to do an act EVERY DAY, but thought that I may need to start sort of smaller. I am not even sure what to do or where to start. I DO know that it will come to me. It always does.

Of course, I do also hope that you bring us "M". Or if he's not meant for us, I hope that he finds his forever home. A Mommy and Daddy to call his own. Brothers and sisters, perhaps. A love like he has never known. Unconditional and true.

p.s. One more selfish request for you, 2009...Space Cadet!
: )

The Home Stretch

2008-12-30T05:33:00.000-08:00

Well, our last interview with DHHS was yesterday. All of our children had to be interviewed.
ALL!
Isn't that funny?
Our 2 year old. What would she have to say that they could understand??
And Ty, our 11 year old. The boy of few words. Most of them are "I guess" or "I dunno". What could he share? What did he share?Not much, as his interview lasted 3 1/2 minutes!!!
Fallon's (16 yrs) lasted the longest. 9 minutes.
But who's counting???

More waiting is at hand.
I spoke to "M's" adoption case worker. Our last conversation ( the BOGO convo) left me feeling deflated and very pessimistic about our chances for "M".
This time, MUCH BETTER!
I was assured that even though "M's" bio aunt, legally has to be considered...it was no more than a formality. She had no expectations of them seriously being considered. There has been to much negative in their home studies. To much negativity in "M's" past, from them as well.

The case worker also agreed that placing "M" in the same home as his foster brother, ( 2 1/2 yrs with down syndrome) may be to much to expect from any one family. I had voiced my objection to having "T" placed here as well, because I didn't want to short-change "M" or my other children. Apparently she listened.

Now, she didn't say that we were a shoe in or anything. She did, however, say that she thought that we were great, and again at the top of her list. We have heard that before, and are cautiously optimistic.

For now, I have a picture in my wallet, one on the fridge, and a bed decked out in John Deere garb. Hoping for our "M" to fill it.

A Deep Breath

2008-12-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

So, almost there.

The baking is done. The gifts purchased (just about). We are coming to the end.

The end of a difficult start to the winter.

Time to breath.

Smell the pine and holly.

View the lights.

Eat.

Laugh.

See the season through the eyes of our toddler.

Magic!

Like sands through the hour glass......

2008-12-19T05:16:00.000-08:00

I talked to "M"'s social worker yesterday.

I am not feeling at all hopeful. I had mentioned in my last post, "M" has an aunt that wants to be considered. She hasn't even begun her newest (she already had been denied) home study. That will need to be completed before a decision is made. She was given the chance to have custody of "M" as an infant, AND RETURNED HIM INTO STATE CUSTODY. I do applaude the states efforts to reunify children with their bio families. However, when is it over kill?

If that wasn't enough, the SW also told me that another family has expressed interest in "M". They are unable to have children of their own, and are business professionals (have $, is my guess). She told me that they would "be able to focus all of their time on "M" alone, and give him all the best."

When did that become most important?

We have "great advocacy skills, and a close knit family", I'm told.

AND..."M" has become very close to a foster sibling. "T" is 2 1/2, and has down syndrome. We would be given special consideration if we would consider taking both children.

Made me feel like I was at a BOGO sale at Payless.

"M" may go to the professional couple because he can be "the only child", yet if we would take the both of them we would move to the front of the list.

I don't get it.

I feel a little "played".

Andy and I have agreed that taking two young special needs children at the same time, would not be best for us (or them). With the baby (5 1/2 months), Gabi (2), and Ty (10), AND the teenagers...someone would be short changed. I am unwilling to chance it.

We want to be the best parents we can. To all our "babies".

So, That's the latest.

I guess time will tell. If not "M", than another child for us. Maybe "M" is just the vehicle.....

One Step Closer....

2008-12-17T03:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had our home study.

This is the second time that it has been rescheduled, and I am glad that we FINALLY made it! One more visit is scheduled for next week. Our older children will be chatted with. They are a little nervous. I think they view it as an interrogation, when actually it was very relaxed. We had coffee and chatted. Easy enough!

We started this whole journey to "M" in mid September. Our application was filed, references contacted, and fingerprint cards requested. Andy and I were told that it would be possible to have him placed in our family by Christmas. After jumping through numerous hoops, and 3 different caseworkers, we are told more likely late January.

We were fortunate enough to meet this little 3 year old, when our daughter started preschool a few days a week. Gabrielle no longer attends that program (wasn't a good fit for her), and we have stopped contact with "M" to eliminate any attachment issues that may arise if in deed, this does not work out FOR HIM.

Parental rights have been terminated late November, and he has an Aunt that has just now decided to "throw her hat into the ring". I have been assured that this may not be the best fit for "M" and his needs. So Andy and I continue to plug away.

We have told all of our children, of course, and they have no idea what is taking so long. It is amazing, and touching, how our children are so willing to welcome ANOTHER child. Even this child with special needs.

So, we continue to mull through the bureaucratic "junk", and hope. Hope for the day we will have "M" here with us. Hope for his happiness. Hope for a Merry Christmas for him.

Hope for a family for "M" .

Snow Day!

2008-12-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the excitement of a snow day! Waking up 15 min's earlier than usual, just to check to see if school was cancelled. Building a snowman with your sibling. Sledding until your nose was frozen.

Well' today is our districts first snow day. We live in a rural area, so I am sure their will be many more.

The kiddos are elated.

Me? Not so much!

As an adult, and a daycare provider, I have grown to hate snow days. Frankly, I think that a child's education is worth the risk (I'M KIDDING!!).

It is sleeting outside, so no sledding. No snowmen either.

We have made snowflake's, and Christmas tree hand prints. What else can we do? Christmas specials. YES!!! That should entertain. FOR ALL OF A MINUTE AND A HALF!!

I also have to endure the wrestling of brothers, the tattling of a sister, and the excitement of the Christmas season. That is in addition to our normal routine of potty training, circle time, and story time. Squeeze in snack, and lunch, and then....Aaaaaa NAP -TIME! A glorious time of day.

Rest, relax, eat, and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!

We Need A little Christmas

2008-12-10T05:25:00.000-08:00

I recently went to a fundraising event in our area. One that raises money for Christmas gifts for children. It surprised me who was there. Mostly families that looked like they could use a hand. Ones, like us, who are strapped for every dime. The cashing-in-bottles-for-extra-cash type. All of us donating some of that extra cash, to buy a coloring book or some matchbox cars for an area youth.

With times as tough as they are for the majority of us, I can only imagine the numbers of applicants requesting help from this program.

Then there are the "too proud to ask for help", types. The coupon clippers. The sales flyer shoppers. The bottle collectors.

That's the rest of us!

Yet we scrounge enough to buy a package of PlayDough at our local dollar tree.. Jeans marked down at Walmart...plan a "handmade" holiday.

I like to think that this teaches my children humility. The value of a buck. That it is better to give than to receive.

I am reminded of a story.

My then 13-year-old asked me, "Mom, are we poor?"

"No honey. We are thrifty. I am teaching you to appreciate what you have. Building character," I said.

I remember being proud of my answer. Knowing that I said just the "right" thing.

She responded, "Yeah, that's what all the poor mothers say!"

So again this year, I plan my handmade holiday. Clip my coupons. Shop the sales racks. Cash in our bottles.

I know that we are "poor".

But, that's OK.

I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. Beautiful, thoughtful, and kind children (really!). And a husband who adores me.

That is the magic of the season.

And that's exactly what all the poor mothers say!

5th grade Math

2008-12-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

When did 5th grade math become so hard!

Geesh!

I am here helping 3 of my daycare cherubs with math (never been my strongest subject). Man!

They want three examples of how they find the answer to each problem.

Three.

I am having difficulty finding one. That is even with the help of my daughter's $60 calculator. I try my best to look moderately intelligent. After all, they look up to me, right? I have a feeling that they can see right through my bluff. Funny, I am not very good at poker either.

I wish that I had paid more attention in school.

I was way more concerned with who was sitting next to me in my classes...what party I would attend that Saturday...or who I would be going to prom with.

Now, I am a thirty-something year old woman. Sitting in my slippers and clearance rack sweat pants. Dried spit up on my shoulder. Old snot rags in my pocket.

I am sitting next to a 5th grade boy eating a donut hole..and two girls with braces...and a date with my husband (the hottest boy on the block) planned for Saturday...and I still suck at math!

Alone time

2008-12-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel as though you have to make a reservation to take a pee?

That taking a shower is a luxury. Putting on make-up means something special is going to happen.

I was sick yesterday. I mean on my back sick. Up to vomit sick. My two year old came in while I was heaving..."oh gross! That's 'iscusting!" She then proceeded to call in her day care friends to see Mommy on the potty throwing up and pooping (what is that fascination?). In between hurls I was able to yell "GET OUT!!"

They got the point. The scattered immediately.

I sometimes wonder why I signed on. And why I may do even more.

Then, I look into their faces (often when they are sleeping). I see them as a blank canvas. Maybe even do something big one day.

Our 16 year old...a photographer and Mother

Our 14 year old boy....a coach or teacher

Our 14 year old girl ... doctor, lawyer, Queen of Everything

The 10 year old...a cop or game warden

Our toddler...a lesbian flame thrower

The baby...president

Who knows. We will be surprised, I'm sure.

2008-11-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

I had dreams of "Matthew" last night.

He is the young boy we are in hopes of adopting.

I dreamt of Christmas gifts, and watching him play in the snow with our two year old. Of snuggling with him at night, and combing his curly black hair.

I am not so naive to think that there won't be a period of adjustment. We are only a little informed about his past, so who knows what kind of baggage that will bring.

I am terrified of rejection.

I have a natural bond with my biological children. One born out of nose wiping, and spit-up cleaning. Nursing and rocking. The bond of safety that I have provided for them since birth.

"Matthew" has not had this safety. He has bounced around from house to house. Been through...I don't know what. How can he trust anyone? How can I let him know that he has is forever home??

Potty-Training Excitement!

2008-11-26T06:56:00.001-08:00

So, we have begun potty-training our Two year old. What a treat that is.

Constant trips to the potty, wet shoes, puddles on the floor. But we mull along.

She did an OUTSTANDING job yesterday. Only one river across the living room floor (an old, unlevel house). Lot's of clapping and singing all day!

"I'm so big! Look at me. I can use my own POT-T. And It makes me feel so very very proud. When we all sing very loud!"

Did her first poopie on the potty! What a trip that was.

She got up, and while I was shining that Bum...she looked in the pot. TERRIFIED. Jaw-open shocked! It dawned on me that she had never actually seen her poop.

I usually clean her up and rush it away. Never again to see the light of day.

But, there it was. Staring back up at her.

Once I explained what it was exactly, and that it wants to come out. She was so happy with herself. We flushed that poopie away. She waved good-bye.

And said this...

"Bye baby poopie. Have fun with your Mommy and Daddy poopie"

Kids!

Now her best friend is a baby poopie!!!

2008-11-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

Well, here I go. An attempt at my own blog.
I am hoping to be able to share/ swap stories about mothering and comical happenings with you all.
My husband and I live in Buckfield, Maine. We have 6 children...two together, and each have two from a previous marriage. Working hard on blending us all together. Most days are GREAT!!! Some...well, nothing is perfect!
We are hoping to adopt soon. YES!! One more in the mix. Why not?
We have just completed our mandatory DHHS adoption classes. The application is in, fingerprinting done, and the wait begins. If only all parents were required to weed through all the beurocratic crap before having a child. Birth rates would go down, I think. So would abuse and neglect. I would Love to hear advice, or suggestions on transitioning our new addition.
So, That's it. Blog #1.
Babies crying....