Monday, March 30, 2009

So Lucky!

Who could be so lucky, as to have something this sweet written about them? For them. To them.
I woke up to check my email, and read the new blog entries of those I follow.
Here is what was posted on my husbands blog.....

Kneading Her
I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself grasping for Corrine.A blind reach, almost flailing. I don't remember having a nightmare, and I didn't have the telltale symptoms either: shortness of breath, cold sweats, racing heart.I just woke up and suddenly had to touch her.She sleeps a quantum distance away most of the night, because we have two children: two-year-old Gabrielle and 9-month-old Griffin, both of whom start the evening in their own beds but always end up with us.I love and hate this. I love it for all the reasons you parents reading this might be able to enumerate yourselves: the indescribable feeling of love one gets from knowing your children still need you; the way a child's warm body feels next to yours; the fact that for each passing night, they grow older and therefore - by human nature - are looking for ways to get the hell away from you.I hate it because, well, nothing kills the rising tide of intimacy than knowing your child is sleeping in the same bed as your lover.The early-morning awakening was not that though. I wasn't looking to get a little, if you know what I mean.I had a heaviness in my chest. The kind of emotion that feels like there's a hole there, but it also feels weighted.I get this every so often. It's a feeling of loss. And my immediate reaction is reach out. Cling. Smother.The best therapy for me is to place my hands on her back, beneath her shirt, and to rub. The way a cat kneads. An almost desperate message, starting at the lower back. I put my thumbs together and fan the fingers out and press them into her flesh.I use the heals of my hands and drive them up her spine, the fingertips coursing ahead, making sure the entire back is touched. To the shoulder, then back down. I'll take my left hand and knead her left side, while the right hand traces up and down her back. It's this constant motion, a deep, forceful message.I'm not doing it for any other reason than to appease my own fears. And I couldn't elaborate on what those fears are. I don't know what they are. It's like I said, I wake up and feel like I've suffered a loss in some way. Do I dream of losing her? No. I've never dreamed that. In fact, I don't even remember what I was dreaming when these episodes occur.It's a trigger. I wake up and I'm fully awake. I feel heavy-chested but hollow. The message fills the vacancy. The connection recharges the batteries, I suppose. Fills me up and, like a child who finds himself momentarily lost in the supermarket, the touch is like that moment the child finds his mother again, in the bread aisle.You catch your breath and you sigh relief, but the fear is still lingering and it forces you toward her. You have to touch her. She has to be tangibly there. And when you are by her side, all is right again and you feel kind of stupid for getting lost and feeling like it was the end of the world.I know the last thing she needs is to be woken up. Again. In the night. By someone needy. Corrine has not had a full night's sleep since 2004, when she met me.But I appreciate her being there. Boy do I ever.
Posted by Andrew Scott Turner.

Not often do people have things written about them with such a warm spin put on it.
Often a gripe or bitch.
My husband didn't wake up and say "I love you". He wrote this for the world.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

WOW. Has it really been that long since my last blog. HOLY TOLEDO!
So, there are 2 new and exciting things to report to you all.

1) I am in the process of opening a Childcare Center!
Yup. Right here in Buckfield, Maine. The first ever!! I will (hopefully) be licensed for UP TO 49 children. Ages 6 weeks - 11 years. I have various programs in the works for different ages. From book clubs and tumble tots, to a mini gym and preschool.

Am I excited? Hell Ya!
Am I scared? TO DEATH!!!
You never know if you don't try. I have so many great ideas, and experience in a bunch of different areas. Also, there is nothing like this in our area. NOTHING! A definite need. I hope it flies!

2) I got an email from a caseworker about a child. A 3 year-old boy. A match meeting (not exactly sure what this is) will be held on April 1st. I am quietly ECSTATIC!!! He has a few minor medical issues that are being resolved. The sweetest smile YOU HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

If any of have been a party to a "match meeting' please let me know what this means to/for us.

Anyway, I will try to blog a little more regularly. I miss you all!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Absolutly Needed!

I had a "girls day" today. Grown-up girls, even.
Went shopping. It is 1/2 off Wednesdays, at the Salvation Army. Spent $10.17. WOOT!
Then, we shopped Mardens. A discount store. Has everything under the sun! I got a pair of shoes, Strawberry Shortcake earmuff's for Gabi, earrings, Jelly-Belly smoothies, a bra, and a bird house. Spent $14.00. Can you believe it!
Then, we even went out to lunch.
No high chairs...or happy meals. No one even screamed. No quick trip to the potty between fries.
I needed that. You sometimes get caught up in your day to day, and forget that adult people are out there.
So, thank you Bobbi & Michelle. I had a great time, and am alrerady planning the "NEXT TIME"!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Fate at work?

Got a call from "M's" social worker.
The bio Aunt/Uncle's home study has been approved. APPROVED!
Does that mean "M" will automatically be placed in their home? NO, or so I am told.
She asked that we "sit tight" for the next few months. "Let the process work". What will happen is that "M" will be placed within the home, after the issues that have been identified in the home study process (WTF?) have been fixed. They will "pop" in to make sure that they are in compliance with the directions they are given. That they do not maintain their chaotic life style. Great for an autistic child.
Truthfully, we want what is best for "M". I am not convinced that this is the best place for him to grow up. 5 years down the road, I will get a call for placement of this child, who has yet again regressed into a non-verbal state.
For 9 months we have been fighting for this little boy. Who doesn't even know that someone is out there. Looking out for him. Wanting all the best for him. Willing to open there home and heart for him FOREVER!!!!!
So, I guess that is the end. Of our "road to M"
A "Thanks for your interest, and all of your help", and bye.
My heart is broken.

I have no doubt that we will find just the right child. The "meant to be". It doesn't make this any easier.

And, I am mad as hell at the state for pushing a child into a home that may (or may not) be best for them. Because they have some family history. I would be all for this placement if they did NOT already returned him to custody once.

Deep breath.
Blow nose.
Move on.
You can't save the world.....

Monday, March 2, 2009

41 Reasons I Love You (Happy Birthday Andy!)

1. Your passion
2. You are a great father
3. Your super funny, and sarcastic
4. Your generosity
5.The way you accept my children as your own
6. You let Gabi paint your toe nails
7. Unbelievable skills with a grill
8.Your unconditional love
9.You do what you love...write
10.The twinkle in your eyes
11.You hold my hand in public
12.Your a little bit naughty
13.You like disco!
14.Your willing to try anything new...once.
15. You've seen my belly, and like it!
16.You play games
17. Your tatted and pierced
18.Back rubs
19. Your romantic
20. Gabrielle Marrae
21. Griffin Allan Kent
23. Trust
24. You dream
26. You kiss me slow and deep
27. You let me be me.
28. I'm comfortable
29. The long talks at night.
30. Picnics
31. Foot rubs
32. Fallon Paige
33."Walks" in the cemetery

34.Harrison Scott
35. You love to love
36. Your sexy
37.You are not a mechanic
38.You eat whatever I cook
39. We dance
40.We snuggle
41. YOU LOVE ME!!!